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The Lesbian Theory
Natalie Friedrich Kidd
"If you're not dating someone, people might think you're a lesbian," my mother proclaimed.
I was not dating by choice. I hated dating and after a series of really bad dates, I had had enough. I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. I didn't need the aggravation and to me that is what dating is -- aggravation. I needed to take a break from the dating scene. I don't see anything wrong with being on my own, I can go wherever I want, whenever I want, and I don't have to answer to anyone.
I like the feeling of independence, but I feel as if the world is against living single. Around every corner, there is someone trying to straighten out my supposedly abysmal living arrangements by trying to fix me up. What is wrong with not having a boyfriend? What is wrong with being single? Why do people always feel that being single is something that has to be remedied? Is being married better? My philosophy is that married people are trying to get you married off because they want you to be just as miserable as they are. They don't want you to be a happy single person. It disrupts the natural balance of the universe. There is supposed to be no such thing as a happy single person, only miserable single people looking to get married. I thought it would be OK to not date for awhile. However, no one told me about the lesbian theory.
A single, non-dating female is met with suspicion. Why isn't she dating? What is wrong with her? While I was growing up, my mother knew about the lesbian theory and sought to protect me from it. Throughout my formative years, she was striking down any possibility of impending lesbianism that might arise during my childhood. Anything I wanted to do that had the possibility of being "unladylike" was met with rejection. I wanted a basketball hoop and a basketball. My mother informed me that playing basketball was not ladylike. So I did what any other self-respecting kid would do -- I went to my father and asked him. My father said, "I don't see anything wrong with playing basketball. I played basketball when I was a young man." My mother shrieked, "That's just it! She is not a young man!" But alas, my mother eventually conceded and I got my basketball hoop.
However, my mother was now poised and ready to do battle with the evil lesbian dragon whenever it looked as if she were about to rear its ugly head. Over time, I noticed certain items suddenly disappearing from the house as soon as I showed an interest in them. I always found astronomy fascinating and one day I came across an old telescope in the attic. I brought it downstairs, put it together and at night I would look at the stars. Before I knew it, I was told that the telescope was my brother's and he would be picking it up and taking it home with him. My brother had been out of the house for 10 years and the telescope had been sitting around for at least that long. Suddenly, he wanted it back. Ditto with the barbell and weights I found sitting in the attic collecting dust. I was informed that weightlifting wasn't for girls. Soon my brother came to pick up his barbell set as well.
Apparently, these little incidents set a precedent in my mother's mind and she was concerned. I informed her that people would not think I was a lesbian if I was not dating. I was wrong. One evening, I was sitting in my apartment and I could hear my neighbors talking outside. They were talking about me. I hadn't lived there that long and I didn't know anyone. However, they had already analyzed the situation and came up with their own theories. "I never see any guys coming or going from her apartment," I heard a male voice say. "Maybe she's a lesbian," replied a female voice. That was all I needed to hear. I didn't believe this. I wanted to scream at them, "You don't see any girls coming and going from my apartment either!"
My mother was right. People do think you're a lesbian if you're not dating anyone. My poor mother. I didn't realize that I might bring shame to the entire family by not dating. I didn't know about the lesbian theory. I just thought I was a heterosexual who didn't want to date anyone at the moment. But here I was classified as the dreaded evil lesbian. Silly me, I thought lesbians were simply women who were attracted to women. Heavens no, evidently lesbians are put into the same category as criminals. People are frightened of them, yet intrigued. They wonder what made them that way. Do they wonder what makes someone straight?
I didn't realize that by simply not dating, I would suddenly become so fascinating. People wonder what I am doing. I have instant popularity. Is she or isn't she? People want to get to know me better in order to find out the truth. I think I will keep them guessing.
© Natalie Friedrich Kidd
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